most of the time i am perfectly ok with having no friends. and i do have a few friends. so im not really saying i have NO friends. but two of them live  a million miles away. i adore the other two i have. they are separate two, not combined two like the far aways. one has a baby also, with conflicting baby schedules. mine naps right before hers. and she doesn’t drive. and in the winter wes is sick a lot so we cant have playdates. the other is the only person besides family that i see on a semi-normal basis. we usually get together once a week. but my breakfast money has dwindled with our recent budget cutbacks.

so like i was saying. i am ok with my (not complete, but general) lack of friends. but lately i have not been okay with it.  i have really been missing my old friendships. not necessarily the old friends though. if that makes sense. the friends are different now so the friendships would be different.

life has brought me to such a different place than most people i know. and i just dont know how to make friends. i dont even know where to begin. i dont know if i want to. most of the time im content with the few i have and the family i have. but sometimes, i dont know. its just. i dont even know.

i need to think more on how to word this and im too tired to do so. Night

so. we’ve decided to celebrate Winter Solstice instead of Christmas. we’re not Christian, and although Christmas has become a very secular holiday that revolves mostly around consumerism, theres still that underlying christ deal. so. to not confuse ourselves or our little boy, we are starting our own traditions. we can still give gifts and have fun and family and whatnot, so hes not ostracized for being different later in life when hes at school or with friends. but we’ll do it a little earlier. and we’ll talk to him about the beauty of the planet and nature and how that day is the shortest day/longest night. and then we can celebrate summer solstice and have a fun day in june too. that being said, wes had a great time opening his gifts. he got lots of them, i went a little overboard. he got 20 books, three mr potato heads (darth tater, bumble spud, and r2patatoo.) he got a set of magnet letters and two cookie sheets that we are going to hang on the wall to put them on (he doesnt have access to the refrigerator) he got a little bowling set, he got more wooden blocks. he got about a hundred peekablocks. and some of the toys that play with the peekablocks. he got three cars. he got a mike and sully from monsters inc. he got two uglydolls (which i love love love and want to get him more. who needs teddybears?!) he got a little tool sawhorseworkbench. he got an awesome yellow lego brick piggy bank. he got a box of crayons. an etchasketch. a few new little people things. a few big boy underwears and wifebeaters. he got a lot of presents. but last year he didnt get anything really cause we were super broke and he was young. so i had fun. i love wrapping the presents.

looks like we’re getting a crazy snowstorm tomorrow. so we’ll see how the holidays with the extended families go.

best gift of all is gonna be getting to see my Jackie. so. yea. yay!

the one in october didnt count. it was more like a dusting that was gone that day. this, has staying power. especially since its about twenty degrees out during the day now. but this snow storm isnt my idea of good snow. its all drifty and powdery. it is super deep in some spots, and almost non-existent in others. it doesnt stick together for snowballs or snowmen. my favorite snow is the giant snowflakes, the big fat wet ones. that stick to everything. all the individual twigs, electrical wires, fences. the ones that fall really really slow motiony. but they pile up real fast. the ones where its just about thirty degrees, and you can smell the snow, taste the wetness in the air. build big snowpeople. thats the kind of snow i like. thats the kind of snow i wish we were getting.

but i guess i’ll just deal with the zero visibility, gusty winds, no traction, iced over car, going twenty under the speed limit. blah.

weston is interested in tv now. just a little, and not that often. and so far he only likes blues clues. we’ve watched some dora too, but he likes blue better. his vocabulary is growing at a rate that i cant even measure anymore. hes putting words together two and three at a time to get his point across. hes saying words that i didnt know he knew, like mouse (computer mouse). he says here ya go, when he gives something to you. he says das? when he cant find something, which i can only assume is donde esta? he is twenty months old. and growing up so fast and so amazingly. another thing that amazes me is that he is playing such an active roll in his introduction to potty training. i know its early, but im going to go with what works. today was the second time that he pottied in the pottychair because he knew he needed to. the other times it was more of a chance thing that happened after i sat him on the chair for practice. but this morning, he pulled his pants down and said potty, so i took him to the potty and he sat there and he pottied. im not pushing the subject that hard, im going to ease him into it. but hes learning to tell when he needs to pee or caca and hes getting excited about potty training. thats the important part. i am such a happy mama. and i wouldnt want anything different with my life.

so my phone died. and i switched to my husbands old phone for now. and in his phone is a number. g.o.s’s number. and i dont know why he still has it. hell i dont know why i still have it in my phone too. we havent talked in like fourteen months. besides the five minutes of fakey hellos how are yous at that pretend five year reunion. but it really maes me sad thinking about it. about how easy it seems to have been for him to just cut contact and not care. really, does he even think about me anymore? what about the penguins? i just wonder what is it about me that makes it so easy to write me off. to forget about me and not care about our friendship. i wonder about it a lot. and i dont know. i guess i just dont get to have friends now that im grown up. hell i guess i should have seen it coming with how hard to it was to keep friends in high school. bah. the things that race through my head when i cant sleep.

i feel as though today i am doing an amazing job at balancing my life. i have done things for myself today. ive taken care of the house. ive gone grocery shopping. did one load of laundry because thats all the cash i had on my laundry card. played with my son. and later i’ll go to work. balance. someday i’ll cut out the working so much and balance will be achieved much easier. but we’ll see when that happens.

back to my cleaning and getting ready for work before wes wakes up from his nap.

note to self. dont make M & M cookies, weston just eats the M&Ms and leaves the cookie.

turned 19 months yesterday. crazy how quickly it all goes by. soon he’ll be two and it’ll be almost summer again. but im still excited for his first real winter. last year he was sick a lot and much littler so we didnt do anything fun outside. but this year we’ve already had a blast playing in the leaves a few times. and hes got the cutest/most badass red and black snowpants/snowboots/wintercoat/hat/mittens outfit goin on. im excited for that first real heavy snow.

last night while i was at work jonny put wes in his room to play. we’ve got a gate on the door and his room is baby safed. and he just loves playing in there. but then he got real quiet. which means somethings wrong or hes in huge trouble, like the last time with the diaper cream everywhere! so jonny goes in, and he was falling asleep. IN his bed. how did he get in his crib? maybe it was the rocking chair. but i dont know. just amazing. he put himself to bed. how cute.

and so far his vocabulary is just, awesome: mama, papa, d.d/kitty, meow, please, thank you, more, up, open, help, on, off, baby, puppy, woof woof, hi, bye bye, hey, ow, eeww, ca-ca, cheese, light, eyes, all done, out, waaaaaaaaaa,  eat, hot, mine, (peek)aboo, nene/nana ( i cant figure out if this is nene his cousin, or nana for gramma )

just a wes update. he’ll be up soon. lots to do today before work.

today i feel semi productive. i took a nap, which was not too short and not too long. i went to the store and got like five things on my list of things  i need. and of course a few things that were not on my list. i fed my son a good breakfast and a good lunch. i ate a good meal in there sometime too. i went through westons clothes and took out things that dont fit anymore. i finished five pages of the little learning book im making for weston. if i end up successfully making dinner and taking out the garbage well i’ll just be damned at how awesome of a house jennie ive been today. the living room is even kind of cleaned up. success! ok. back to work i suppose. i guess its a good thing having no friends. you get a lot of stuff done.

its really hard to work with people that dont have any work ethic. i show up to work on time. i do what is expected of me and go beyond that. and i am happy to do so. i have a job. i know that this is not a right, this is an opportunity given to me by someone else. someone who at any time can say, See ya! i do my best every time i go in. whether im feeling 100% or not i give it. and its just really obnoxious to have to work with people that dont even have the slightest clue as to what it means to be a good employee.

as you can see, ive had it up to about …….. Here with work lately. which sucks because i love my job. really i do. usually in the food industry, work it fifty fifty with the good and the bad, but not where i work. its usually closer to like eighty twenty good to bad. and thats damn good. and i think its a lot of factors that go into that, location, employees, clientele, management, atmosphere. but lately the bad is growing. the drama, the obnoxiousness.

bah!

but i did get to see an adorable little baby today. god he was so cute. so, thats what kept me above water today.

im only halfway through the day. still have the second half of my double to go. so we’ll see what tonight brings.

i didnt have enough time to take a nap. so i did this instead and now im going to take out the recycling and the garbage that has been neglected far too long. it’ll take two trips! damnit!